How to be a Bro

A buddy and I went surfing last weekend at a spot that’s normally quiet.  Unfortunately, 40 other dudes went to the same spot; equally unfortunately, they were all Bros.

Bros are a global surf phenom — travel to the farthest reaches of Micronesia and some dude paddles up out of nowhere mumbling about how you just cut him off.  However, many surfers don’t realize that becoming a bro requires concentration and practice.  We’ve outlined the basic tenets below in order to provide additional insight into the complexities of bro-dom; if you choose to pursue the path — good luck.

Etiquette

• Don’t smile
• Talk loudly in the water about your gear, use lots of surf terms
• Whistle people off of waves
• Get angry when people don’t listen to whistling, start fights
• Passive-aggessively mumble at people after they have caught ‘your’ wave; continue until session is finished
• Surf without a leash (fyi this means you’re so good that you never lose your board)
• Cut off anyone in your way, including women, new surfers, and kids; if you’re good enough, spray them when passing
• Paddle back and forth in the break constantly (this works well while mumbling)
• When possible, give advice to others
• Throw shakas and use the word freely
• Blame poor surfing on the waves, other surfers, or the wind; never yourself
• Linger in the parking lot for several hours before and after your session with other bros; before the session talk about how the surf is getting better, afterwards complain about how it’s getting worse

Gear

• Drink 5-hour energy
• Drive a lifted truck
• Cover truck in awesome stickers
• Identify with brand names
• Act like you don’t care what you look like but spend a lot of money on accessories
• Get tattoos of things like stars and words that you don’t know the meaning of, preferably on your neck
• Don’t use a longboard. Ever.
• Wear a neoprene hood
• Don’t wear booties; make fun of people who wear booties (again, works well with mumbling)

Additional resources:

Jay Ashenfelter’s Section on theinertia.com, often discusses bro maneuvers and etiquette

Dudebro

Definition of Bro

Sample Website for Bros #1

Sample Website for Bros #2